Monday, February 23, 2015

The Burden of Strength

The thing is, you see these people around you and you see them escaping from shit in their lives.  Some of the shit is real, some of it is made up.  Some of it is their own faults, some of it is their shit, but someone else made it.

And you see them, there with their shit, using whatever they can to avoid it - drugs, sex, booze, exercise, pizza, fucking money - whatever it is - and you see them and you're you, and you're strong, and you're beautiful and, worse, you don't have any of their shit, nothing like their shit at all.  And you are or become aware that you really don't have any shit at all.  No shit that you can think of - or worse - you feel like you have shit, but its really all just the made-up-by-me kind and you feel double shitty, first for not really having any shit like they do and then for thinking you do and being embarrassed when you realize that your shit is just bullshit.

So, you're strong, and you're smart and you're beautiful and the world is a welcoming, exciting place for you and that pisses you off because you can't help.  You're supposed to be like Goddammed Superman, but you don't know what to do.  You see those people with all that real, shitty shit and you empathize with them, but that doesn't cut it, so you move all the way to transference and sooner or later their problems become real to you, but they're only real because you made them real.  In your strength, you find weakness and you become like them, but in reality, if only just a little, you know you're not. But then none of that really matters because soon, you're just as screwed as they are becuase now you can't shake the pizza-money-weed thing either and your strength and your empathy have gotten you to be as helpless as they are.

And you realize, after its too late, that you can't help anyone do anything in this place - not even you and despite that's how this all started - you trying to use your strength to help someone, if only a little.  And then, someone uses a bullshit term like "self-care" and you realize after like the nineteenth time you hear it that its not really a bullshit term at all.  Its real, but its also too late for you - or maybe its not because there you see the "new" you - someone just like you...well, just like you were at the beginning...and you see them and you realize that in their eyes, you're that person with all the shit.  And you tell them to make sure they take care of themselves because they're smart, and they're strong, and they're beautiful and they're your ticket back to being smart, strong and beautiful and if you ever get back there, you're going to jump in with both feet and be a life-preserver instead of an anchor to the next person you love with all their shit, so the "new" you needs to stay like the "old" you and take care of themselves and not become like the current you because nobody wins when that happens.

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