Some of us are virtuosos at avoiding conflict. Our deftness at dodging these arrows however, can put us in danger of running the risk
of missing out on true and lasting engaged relationships.
True conflict is not the same as coercion or
manipulation. True conflict
has three necessary ingredients:
1. a fully engaged relationship,
2. some controversy
or disagreement,
3. a desire to remain in the engaged relationship.
If all three components are not present,
you don’t have conflict – not that what you have is somehow not painful, but it
is temporary. True conflict
involves the highest of stakes: the engaged
relationship is at risk.
The risk of living a life which avoids conflict is that you
run the risk of making it very difficult to develop fully engaged relationships. Think about your best
relationships. They usually
involve some degree of falling into and climbing back out of conflict.
When someone whose relationship you value engages you in
what you feel to be a conflict, it is helpful to have some developed responses
that you can rely on from memory. Particularly
good when meaning is not fully disclosed is something like “I am sensing that
something has come between us that is very upsetting to you and I’d like to
learn more about it.” When meaning
is fully disclosed, some more direct engagement normally works “Thank you for
bringing your feelings to my attention.
I’d like to talk about what we can do to resolve this concern.”
Conflict is GOOD – it is a normal component of your best
relationships. What’s bad is being
ill-equipped to deal with it. If
conflict scares you, I would suggest reading Crucial Conversations by Patterson,
et al. If conflict really scares
you, I would suggest reading it twice.
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